Perodoc Spinner, a hobbit from the Shire, walked into the Green Dragon, ordered a pint, and sat down at a table with his three good friends Merabo Redsmith, Redo Brown, and Friappi Parks.
"So did you get an invitation to Gondor, Perry?" Merabo asked.
"Sure did. What’s the whole point anyway?" Perodoc replied.
"That prissy elf Figwit is visiting Gondor and looking for a bride, so Yricyn, the King of Gondor, has invited his friends to come and sorta audition for the job." Merabo said.
"Why would we want to be his bride??" Redo squeaked.
"We wouldn’t, silly," Perodoc said, "We’re only going for the...."
"FREE FOOD!!" Friappi cried. Everyone knew that Gondor was known for its tasty vittles.
Chapter Two - The Elves
Respected Glebriwyn, Lord of Rivendell: You are cordially invited to attend a week-long party in honor of the esteemed Figwit at the city of Gondor, hosted by King Yricyn. Sir Figwit requests it to be known to the Ladies of Rivendell that he is searching for a bride. Please come prepared. - Cobryn, Chief Counselor to Yricyn
"Figwit’s looking for a bride!!" The pretty, but snobbish elf Anithrarith cried. "Oh, I hope he chooses me! He is sooo gorgeous!"
"For goodness sakes, lady, pull yourself together!" The elf Glarawen said. "After all, if you’re going to meet Figwit you are going to need your wits about you."
"Oh, I know, but he is such a hottie!" Anithrarith sighed. "My only problem will be Elvorfindra, that snot-nosed sister of Lady Hathien. She has a habit of ruining my plans. It’ll be just my luck if Figwit chooses her over me. She isn’t even that pretty! I mean, look at the clothes she wears! Soo last century!"
Chapter Three - The Dwarves
Kolir the dwarf was sitting in his comfy chair reading Top One Hundred Pranks to Pull on Elves when his buddy Nalin burst in.
"Boss! Boss!" Nalin exclaimed.
"What is it now, Nalin?" Kolir asked, annoyed.
"I was spying at Rivendell, that cheesy dump the elves call home," Nalin told him, "And I found out that they’re having a party at Gondor to help ‘Mr. Light on the Loafers’ Figwit find a girlfriend!"
"Excellent work, Nalin!" Kolir said, "This is the perfect opportunity to humiliate the elves once and for all. Go find Voignar, Dosin, and that chubby pest Mamli and tell them to get ready. We leave at once for Gondor."
Chapter Four - Rohan
"Jereriviel! Laredith! Come here!" Pigorith, the Queen of Rohan called.
"Yes, my lady?" Jereriviel, one of her ladies in waiting, replied.
"Pack our bags, we are leaving for Gondor at once."
"Why, my lady?" Laredith asked.
"Because we have received an invitation to attend a party there in honor of the elf Figwit, who is looking for a bride."
"Pigorith!" A voice from outside called.
"Coming, Gyn." The Queen answered. She turned to her ladies in waiting, "We leave in two hours. Make sure my bags are packed by then." She exited the room in the direction her husband had called her from.
"We’re going to Gondor!" Jereriviel squealed.
"Gondor has the cutest guys!" Laredith added.
"And His Gorgeousness, Prince Figwit, will be there. I wonder who’ll he pick for his bride." Jereriviel mused.
Laredith asked, "Is Figwit really a prince, though?"
"Who knows?" She shrugged, "But he sure is cute enough to be one!"
Chapter Five - In Gondor
The guests had all arrived at Gondor and were about to enter the dining room where they would have their welcome feast. But no one seemed to know where Perodoc Spinner and his friends were. His sister Cidda and her friends Naeniver and Clecla Thorney searched everywhere for them, but they were no where to be found.
Meanwhile, the elf Anithrarith was doing her best to attract Figwit’s attention, but so far had not been very successful. No matter what she did, she could not distract him from his conversation with her nemesis Elvorfindra and her elvish friend Fend.
"Figwit won’t even look at me!" Anithrarith complained to Anilmathiel, an elf from Rivendell and Lady Hathien’s daughter.
"Maybe he just likes Elvorfindra better." Anilmathiel suggested.
"But why? I’m soo much prettier - and nicer too! What does he see in her?" Anithrarith addressed a beautiful, tall elf sitting next to her, "Sung, go find out where Figwit will be sitting at dinner, and make sure that I sit next to him."
Sung got up reluctantly and went inside.
By the time all the guests had entered the dining hall, Cidda had still not found Perodoc. As all the guests sat down, a loud, uncouth noise came from Anithrarith’s seat (which was, of course, next to Figwit, thanks to the sleuthing of Sung). Anithrarith sprung from her chair, and in doing so spilt hot mushroom soup all over Figwit.
"My hair!!" Figwit hollered.
"It wasn’t me!!!" Screamed Anithrarith. No one believed her until she produced a whoopie cushion that had been placed in her chair. Snickering was heard coming from the kitchen.
"Ibiralian, Waelith" Chief Counselor Cobryn said calmly, "Please get Lady Anithrarith cleaned up."
Fifteen minutes later, Anithrarith sat back down in her chair and tried to engage the gorgeous except-for-a-few-mushrooms-still-stuck-in-his-hair Figwit in conversation. All Figwit seemed capable of doing, however, was staring across the table at Elvorfindra, who was busy talking with Geollyn of Rohan.
Chapter Six - Blown Cover
While all the guests were at dinner, Kolir and his band of dwarves were busy sneaking up to the city where they planned to sabotage the party. As they got closer to the city, Kolir heard bickering coming from the dwarves behind him.
"Shh! What are you trying to do, blow our cover?" Kolir whispered.
"Dosin called me a fat doofus." Mamli whined.
"That’s because you are, stupid-head." Voignar retorted.
"I am not!!" Mamli shouted.
"Shh!!!" The dwarves cried in unison.
"DON’T TELL ME TO BE QUIET, YOU POOPY HEADS!!!" Mamli screached.
Suddenly Gondor’s gates opened and out came three guards.
"Get them!" Mamyr, the head guard, shouted. The two guards immediately grabbed Kolir, Nalin, Voignar, and Dosin, but Mamli started sprinting away from the city.
"Seize the fat one!" Mamyr cried.Mamli stopped dead in his tracks.
"I am not fat!" He screamed.
Not long later all five of the dwarves were locked up in the dungeons of Gondor.
Chapter Seven - The Disease
Back at dinner, Anithrarith was having no further success at getting Figwit’s attention. The only topic he seemed interested in talking about was Elvorfindra. Anithrarith lost no time in taking advantage of the situation.
"You seem to really like my...ahem...friend Elvorfindra, Your Gorgeousness." Anithrarith remarked.
"She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen," He replied, "Except for me, of course."
"Well, I feel it is my duty, Your Gorgeousness, to warn you, to only admire her from a distance. A long distance."
"Why?" Figwit asked, puzzled.
"Not many people know this, I’m afraid, but Elvorfindra has a disease."
"A disease!?" Figwit cried.
"Yes, it is very tragic. Unfortunately, if you spend too much time around her, eventually your hair will start to fall out. Just look at Geollyn, King Gyn‘s brother, his hair is starting to wane already."
"Oh my goodness! That’s terrible!" Figwit exlaimed. "I guess I shouldn’t associate with her anymore. That’s too bad, because she really was a nice lady. I must go to my room to make sure all of my hair is still there."
As Figwit got up to leave he said, "Thank you so much for warning me, Lady Anithrarith. I don’t know why I ever liked Elvorfindra more than you."
Anithrarith’s face shone with triumph the rest of the night.
Chapter Eight - The Pranks
The next day, Anithrarith was talking to Princess Ererrandra, King Yricyn’s sister.
"Isn’t Figwit so dreamy?" Anithrarith sighed.
"He is very good looking," Ererrandra admited, "I wish he’d pick me as his bride."
Anithrarith was shocked. "Honey, he’d never pick you! Come on, you’re just a human! If he picks anyone it should be me."
"Well, maybe someday he’ll realize that immortality isn’t everything, and that some girls really are worth being mortal for."
"Whatever," Anithrarith said.
Just then, the hobbits Cidda, Naeniver, and Clecla came in.
"Excuse me, milady," Naeniver addressed Ererrandra, "But could we please borrow some of your hair conditioner?"
"Of course you may, Naeniver," Ererrandra said, "But why do you need it?"
"Apparently somebody put honey in the elf Fend’s hair last night and we can’t get it out." Clecla explained.
"Yeah," Cidda added, "I never knew his hair could be spiked so high!"
"I wonder who’s been pulling all these pranks," Ererrandra wondered, "First the whoopie cushion at the feast, then mayonnaise in Lady Hathian’s lotion, and also the hot sauce in those two servants Ibiralian and Waelith’s tomato soup, and now the honey in Fend’s hair!"
Chapter Nine - Prince Figwit?
The night before Figwit was to announce his bride, King Yricyn was giving King Gyn a tour of his city. Eventually their conversation turned to Figwit and who he’d choose to marry.
"It’ll definitely be Anithrarith," Yricyn said, "That’s too bad though, because she such a spoiled little brat."
"I’m surprised he didn’t go for Elvorfindra," Gyn remarked, "He seemed to like her in the beginning, but then he seemed to leave her alone. She seems to be quite satisfied with my brother Geollyn, though. Personally, I don’t know what all the girls see in Figwit; he’s not that attractive. He’s quite dumb in my opinion. How do we even know he’s really a prince?"
"We don’t know." Yricyn replied. "It’s never been confirmed. But he never denies that he’s a prince, so everyone just assumes that he is. I hope he doesn’t choose Anithrarith, though. She’ll start to think that there are a few people who actually like her."
"Well, we’ll find out tomorrow. I’d better be going to bed."
Chapter Ten - Conclusion
The next day, while everyone was preparing for the feast where Figwit would announce his bride, Cidda was still looking for her brother Perodoc. Nobody had seen him or his three friends all week. King Yricyn had sent his three best guards, Mamyr, Taenyc, and Ron in search of the four hobbits, but still had not been able to discover them.
It was finally time for the feast and there was still no sign of Perodoc. Anithrarith did her best to claim a seat beside the handsome Figwit, but didn’t succeed this time. However, she was sure that she would win the ultimate victory when Figwit picked her to be his bride - that would show Elvorfindra.
"I want to thank you all for coming to Gondor this week to help Figwit choose his bride," King Yricyn said after all the guests had taken their seats. "And now..."
Giggles were heard coming from the kitchen.
"...I propose a toast to ‘Prince’ Figwit."
The guests raised their glasses, took a drink, and immediately spit it out again, discovering it was vinegar and not wine. Vinegar was flying everywhere.
"My hair!!" Figwit screamed.
Squeals of laughter were heard coming from the kitchen. The servants Ibiralian and Waelith came out, holding four hobbits by the ears.
"Here are the little vandals, Your Highness," Waelith said.
"Perodoc Spinner," King Yricyn exclaimed, "I might have known."
Five minutes later the four hobbits found themselves back in the kitchen, this time washing dishes.
After Figwit had fixed his gorgeous hair, it was time for him to announce his bride. No one was really surprised when he chose Anithrarith, in fact they were rather relieved, because it meant that she’d go live with them and they would not have to deal with her snobby ways.
In case you were wondering, Elvorfindra did not really mind that Figwit chose Anithrarith over her. She ended up marrying Gyn’s brother Geollyn anyway. The only thing they never resolved was......is Figwit really a prince or not?
In case you are dying of curiosity, it turns out that Figwit really was a prince. As his adversary Legolas put it...a Prince of Ragamuffins! Needless to say, Anithrarith’s life didn’t turn out the way she had planned. Looks like Elvorfindra won again.